In honor of one week ‘til kick off, I present...

In honor of one week ‘til kick off, I present North v. South College Football. Go Dawgs.

Stadium Size:

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Campus Decor:

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.

SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:

NORTH: Also a physics major.

SOUTH: Also Miss America..

Cheerleaders:

NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.

SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.

Getting Tickets:

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.

SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting list.

Women’s Accessories:

NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.

SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of Jack Daniels/Crown. Money is not necessary — That’s what dates are for.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:

NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they’re going to the game, Because they have classes on Friday.

SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don’t want to see The few hung-over students that might actually make it to class and throw up on their floor.

Parking:

NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.

SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for The weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.

SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting “Game Day Live” to get on camera and wave to the folks up north.

Tailgating:

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.

SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by “Dave Matthews’ Band,” who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:

NORTH: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in.

SOUTH: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day it becomes the state’s third largest city.

Concessions:

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.

SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for Jack Daniels/Crown.

When National Anthem is Played:

NORTH: Stands are still less than half full.

SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

Smell in the Air After the First Score:

NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of Jack Daniels/Crown.

Commentary (Male):

NORTH: “Nice play.”

SOUTH: “*#@&@, you slow *&%$@#! - tackle him and break his legs.”

Commentary (Female):

NORTH: “My, this certainly is a violent sport.”

SOUTH: “*#@&@, you slow *&%$@#! - tackle him and break his legs.”

Announcers:

NORTH: Neutral and paid.

SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:

NORTH: The stadium is emptying out.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker while somebody goes to The nearest package store for more bourbon. Planning begins for next week’s game.